


I'm Half A Heart Without You, Baby

by homosociallyyours



Series: Adventures in Larenthood [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - America, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Parenthood, Surrogacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 01:14:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15401703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homosociallyyours/pseuds/homosociallyyours
Summary: When the adoption they've been planning falls through at the last minute, Louis does his best to help Harry through the aftermath, almost forgetting that it will be just as hard for him.This work is a prequel to "Ready to Run Away," the previously published work in this series.





	I'm Half A Heart Without You, Baby

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for the [wordplay challenge](https://wordplayfics.tumblr.com/post/173502112548/wordplay-fic-challenge-2018-edition-about-the) week 3. The prompt was "unused" and the other fics in this week of the challenge can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/unused/works). Thanks to the lovely [lululawrence](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com) for organizing this challenge!!
> 
> Also big thanks to my beta, [statementlou](http://statementlou.tumblr.com), for helping me get this fic cleaned up in time to post!

Nobody tells you that it’s the smallest things that catch on your heart and tear, leaving loose threads and snags until suddenly you’re torn up without even having realized it happened. 

Louis felt protective when they got the news; he was impervious to the sadness, and he wanted to keep it away from Harry as much as possible. He couldn’t, of course. No, for Harry it was the cards that came in after their excited emails had been delivered and a party planned, all sent before the calls they’d made to close friends, asking them to share the news. He’d stopped going to the mailbox after the first few times, not able to care that alongside the cards were credit card bills and letters from their lawyer and paperwork to be filled out and returned in the envelopes that were included with them. 

It was torture watching Harry open each card, reading them with a face carved from stone and his eyes gone stormy from trying to hold back tears. Louis had finally pulled them out of his hand and promised to deal with them; he’d call or write back and explain: the adoption hadn’t worked out. They were still just Harry and Louis, not Harry and Louis and child. 

At first, Louis thought he’d escaped the crush of grief that Harry was feeling. It wasn’t as though he wasn’t sad-- he was, very --it was just that he didn’t feel the depth of the loss in the way that Harry did. He chalked it up to having had more people leave him that Harry had: his shitty father, the friends who’d stopped speaking to him when he told them he was gay, even a cousin near his own age who’d died unexpectedly, the news of it shaking his whole family to their core. 

But then it hit him a couple weeks later. He was at his mother’s house, helping her sort through a pile of things to give to charity, when he came across a box in the back of the closet. He opened it, not thinking it could be anything important, only to find a pristine new baby book, its pale green cover decorated with the shape of two tiny foot prints. “Our First Baby” was written across the front, and when he opened it he found a letter written in his mother’s careful handwriting. 

“To Louis and Harry: I’ve never known two people more well-suited to raising a family together. I can’t wait to welcome this child into our lives and hearts, to watch the two of you love the baby that’s coming to you. I hope you use this book every day. Fill it up with photographs, notes, drawings, every little thing. One day you’ll look back and laugh at it. And cry, too. All my love, Jay” 

He flipped slowly through the pages, running his fingers over the prompts on each one, from “My Hands and Feet” with a space for prints to “First Day at Daycare” with room for a picture and notes. He thought about never getting to use those pages. Never having stories to fill in about best friends and favorite songs to sing, first words and haircuts and family vacations. He shoved the book back into its box and tucked it into the corner, willing himself not to cry before getting out of the house. 

Of course the baby book was only the beginning. Suddenly his house, his work, everything and everywhere was marred by the things he and Harry would no longer need: childproof locks for the cabinets, all still in their packaging and waiting to be installed; a tall stack of swaddling cloths, clean and ready for making baby burritos (“my new favorite food!” Harry had joked) that would have no use; a special blender for baby food and a stockpile of formula and an order of diapers they hadn’t figured out how to return. He’d even shown up to work surprised to find someone else in his classroom, preparing for the day: he’d forgotten to cancel the substitute that had been hired to cover two weeks of time that he and Harry had planned to spend with the baby once everything was finalized. He left, dejected, and finally cried in the corner of a church parking lot, sitting in his car with the windows up and his head against the steering wheel, glad that nobody was around to see him. 

When he got home, he found Harry in the kitchen, his hair clipped back from his face and his favorite 70s playlist on just loud enough that Louis could hear it when he walked in the door. That meant it was only at about half its usual volume, but considering he hadn’t heard it since they got the news, Louis considered it a good sign. 

“You’re home early, babe,” Harry said, turning from the stove when he heard Louis’ footsteps. He was boiling something, and Louis looked over his shoulder to see what it was. “Potatoes,” Harry said, giving Louis a kiss that just grazed the side of his lips, tender and careless, “for shepherd’s pie.” 

“Sounds good,” Louis said, setting their mail on the table. He’d shuffled the only card they’d gotten to the bottom of the pile, hoping that Harry wouldn’t see it. “I forgot I’d asked for a sub for the next couple weeks before….” He paused, not wanting to finish the thought. “Anyway, he’ll work tomorrow too, and then I’ll go back Monday. I thought it might be nice to just start back next week.” 

Harry rested his hand on the back of Louis’ neck, waiting for Louis to look up at him before he spoke. “You’ve been crying,” Harry said quietly, staring intently at Louis’ face now. 

“Maybe so,” Louis said, aiming for a playful tone but failing, his voice flat as a deflated balloon. 

“Was it only the substitute?” Harry asked, taking a step closer and putting his free hand around Louis’ waist. “Or?” 

Louis shook his head. “It was a lot, really. Found this book at my mom’s and it made me think about everything. About how much I wanted this. How much _we_ wanted this. And now it’s just--” he let out a shuddering breath. “I thought it was time to start winning. And now we’re here. Right back at the beginning.” 

“So we’ll try again. We’ll keep trying to adopt, or find a surrogate, or make friends with a scientist who’s working on making male pregnancies happen,” Harry said, resting his head on Louis’, “and eventually we’ll add on to our family.” Louis could feel Harry’s smile even without his mouth on him, the energy radiating out from him and bringing out Louis’ own light, making him smile in spite of himself. 

“There’s so much we did already. What if it’s a waste? What if it doesn’t happen?” 

“It will.” Harry placed a kiss on Louis’ forehead. “We’re going to be parents one day,” he said before he kissed the tip of Louis’ nose. “And we’ll just be ready for everything I suppose.” He put his lips on Louis’ and kissed him gently and for a long time, his arms wrapped around Louis and Louis’ arms around him like they were holding on to the only thing that could save them. 

They struggled for another year before they found a friend who was excited to be a surrogate, and spent the entirety of her pregnancy waiting for something to go wrong. Nothing did. Harry doted on her, bringing her homemade natural spa treatments and mid-afternoon smoothies, while Louis was the one she called when midnight cravings hit or she’d gone too deep into googling medical conditions that could arise during pregnancy. Both of them were there when she gave birth, all of them crying when Jack took his first breath and their family grew by one. 

Back home, a stack of congratulation cards were waiting in the mail. The nursery was stocked with onesies and swaddling cloths, diapers and wipes-- all the things they’d worried they’d never use --and the baby book was laid out, open to its first page and ready to be filled.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to mention that I am not familiar with the adoption process and this is not in any way meant to be an accurate portrayal of it. It's certainly a much more complicated thing than I could ever address in a quickly written fic, but if anyone is bothered by it feel free to message me on [tumblr](http://homosociallyyours.tumblr.com). 
> 
> That said, thank you so much for reading! A fic post is coming soon for reblogging.


End file.
